The DENNIS System is a way that the show Always Sunny in Philadelphia teaches its viewers the "proper" way to attract and pick up women. Dennis, one of the main characters, creates an acronym (university word) out of the letters in his name. The steps are laid out pretty straightforward: Demonstrate value, Engage physically, Nurture dependence, Neglect emotionally, Inspire hope, and Separate entirely.
Of course, there are alternative systems. The MAC System, aptly named after the character Mac, is one in which you go and pick up the pieces of the shattered heart of the Dennis System. Move in After Completion. My personal favorite is Frank's method, in which you walk around with a stack of $100 bills and a bunch of Magnum Condoms, thus demonstrating the value of your large dong.
What I didn't realize until now is that the Calgary Flames were never really interested in dating their fans or making them feel special. They've simply been DENNISing us up to this point.
Demonstrate value
Anytime your team starts the season 4-0 while beating the absolute piss out of opponents (not to mention a couple of last-second victories), their value is being demonstrated to you. Not to mention the November they had where it looked like after so many years of waiting, things were finally going to be turned around.
Engage physically
Sure the Flames didn't take us back to their room to "show us their guinea pig", but this was about the time of November I would say. Wins start piling up, Iggy is scoring, Kipper is unbeatable. Hell even CuMac might have won a game by this point. It was right about here that the Flames began to
Nurture dependance
Now that the city of Calgary was getting used to having a top-tier hockey team, it became time to rip that out of their hearts and show the fans how pointless their existence was without them doing well. Enter December. This was probably the beginning of the end for the Flames as the goals began to dry up and the wins were few and far between (I've always wanted to use that expression). Little did the fans know how far into the DENNIS system they were getting.
Neglect emotionally
If you watched the team this season, I do not need to tell you that this was the month of January. For those who weren't paying attention, it was during January that the Flames lost nine games in a row, including a 9-1 drubbing by the San Jose Sharks. It was about this time that fans were feeling emotionally neglected. If they put so much into this team, couldn't the players do it too? What came next would
Inspire hope
February rolls around, the Flames aren't playing like complete shitgarbage, and then the Olympics happen. Iginla torches Norway for three goals in the opener and scores a couple more against the hockey powerhouse of Germany. Flames fans are not especially impressed with what he has done in the tournament. But then, redemption:
I even wrote a haiku to commemorate the occasion:
Sid the kid Crosby
Scores in the first overtime
The feed from Iggy
That is just the beginning of the inspiration of hope, as it is currently where we are now. The Flames win four in a row in March and then beat the Capitals and Coyotes to pull within two points of 8th place Colorado. Suddenly, there is a chance for optimism. However friends I'm sorry to tell you, the 10% chance the Flames have at the playoffs could very well be ended Friday night, as the team prepares to
Separate entirely
And like the first track of Jay Z's Black Album, "all things must conclude. It is an inevitable part of the cycle of existence". The Flames will surely find a way to lose to one of Colorado, Chicago, or San Jose, thus completing the DENNIS System and ending this misery of a 30th campaign.
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