Wednesday, September 29, 2010

From bad to worse


Olli Jokinen went down last night with a lower-back injury, making him the third injured center the Flames will have going into the regular season on October 7th. He now joins Langkow and Stajan, and although they may not be undisputed #1 centers in the league, they are still without a doubt the three best centers Calgary has. This effectively means that Craig Conroy is now the team's #1 center.


Yes, that Craig Conroy. The one making $500k a year on a two-way contract, is now Calgary's #1 center heading into the regular season.
I knew it was gonna be a tough season, but I didn't think it could possibly start out like this. Luckily we have lots of defensive prospects, because defensemen are the only players that matter on a team, right boys?

Right!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Now the world is gone, I'm just ONE

My distaste for Sportsnet has always been fairly rampant and I have never had a problem voicing my displeasure. For years, Calgary Flames fans have been forced to bear their incompetent camera work, watch Nick Kypreos struggle to obtain a grasp on the English language, and listen to Peter Loubardias' absolutely dreadful play-by-play commentary. But now, somehow, the fat cats at Sportsnet have found one more way to fuck their fans:

Introducing: Sportsnet ONE!

I will try to explain the premise of this channel as best as I can. If I am not correct, I would love to have that pointed out. I seriously hope that I just don't understand what they're doing here.

Sportsnet ONE is a new channel, available on Shaw, that shows more sports than Sportsnet. Think of it as TSN 2, except (a) of inferior quality, and (b) unnecessary because Sportsnet does not hold a candle to TSN's broadcasting team, experts, panel members, basically anything that makes a sports show worth watching.
 
Nick Kypreos prepares for broadcast

Sportsnet West used to show all the Flames and Oilers games on their network. If two games were coinciding, for example, Edmonton played at 6:00pm in Edmonton while Calgary played the same night at 7:30pm in Detroit, one of the two games would be moved to PPV. This meant something like 10 games a year that, if you wanted to watch, you could through PPV. It was bullshit, but at least you didn't have to front the entire cost yourself, and there were "special features", like going inside the dressing room and other weird shit.


Made it that much easier to swallow the $15 price tag. Also, look how small Dion is...

Supposedly, there was enough of a market to require having a channel that is separate for Calgary to show their sports. According to the Flames schedule, there are eighteen Flames games this season broadcast on Sportsnet Calgary...Which still means there are 36 more games broadcast on Sportsnet West.

This means, that in order to watch these games, Flames fans are now forced to subscribe to Sportsnet ONE, so that they can get Sportsnet Calgary, even though there are still games being shown on Sportsnet West.

So many questions pop into my mind it is actually ridiculous:

1. Regional discrepancy

I live in Edmonton. If I order Sportsnet ONE, do I need to order Sportsnet Calgary? Will I be defaulted to Sportsnet Edmonton? I don't fucking want that.
Yeah, we get it.

2. Scheduling

There is one game on the Flames schedule that says Sportsnet Vancouver is broadcasting it. Will I get this channel automatically? Or will I be forced, if I wanted to watch on my TV, to subscribe to another channel for this game?

3. Replacement

Now that Sportsnet West has finally freed up its incredibly busy schedule, what is going to go in place of televised hockey broadcasts? I do not recall ever watching anything of merit on that channel other than hockey games. Not even highlight packages.

Holy fuck. This is Sportsnet's schedule.

This is absurd. At least with PPV you could go to a bar and watch, or have a group of friends over to chip a couple bucks each. Now you need an entire fucking channel. Absolutely obnoxious.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Wizard of HNIC


I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain. 
 
When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,
And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If I only had heart.
 
 
 Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy,
When you're born to be a sissy
Without the vim and verve.
But I could show my prowess, be a lion not a mou-ess
If I only had the nerve.
 
 My browser sucks ass so I didn't even get a chance to watch that last video. But trust me Kevin Weekes sucks at interviews.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Haikus

Head coach Brent Sutter
Coaches his teams: "defense first!"
Goals will come later

Ales Kotalik
Headline: "A BROKEN PLAYER"
3mil for two years

Raitis Ivanans
31 year old fighter
What the fuck, Sutter?

Miikka Kiprusoff
Do not bow to false idols
He's the one true God

Flaming horse logo
Let's try to forget that time
Year of the Cowboy

Tampa Bay Lightning
Their alumni now include
Sarich and Feaster

Assistant GM
Will miss $5 footlongs
Only in the States

Olli Jokinen
Scapegoat for last year

Outdoor hockey threads
Designed by Helen Keller
I will still buy one..

Pengrowth Saddledome
Fire shoots out of the roof
Only when they score

2010 Flames
One last shot at redemption
Otherwise, rebuild

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Costanza?


For anyone who doesn't follow the Oilers (which is hard to do because all I read anywhere is about how young and exciting they are), the man pictured above is Sheldon Souray.


When big ol' Chris Pronger left Edmonton for greener pastures (as well as two more Stanley Cup finals) in 2006, the Oilers felt the need to replace his physical presence on the blue line. Free agent Sheldon Souray was available, the Oilers acted quickly, and they signed Souray to a big money deal for five years. Souray insisted that he wear #44, probably as an homage to his fallen hero Pronger, and the Oilers let him.


Everything was going quite swimmingly, until last season when the Oilers got wasted and peed themselves that night, waking up in the urine-soaked hellhole that is Edmonton. After missing much of the season due to a hand injury caused by Jarome Iginla, Souray was pretty pissed off with the Oilers in general, going as far as shit-talking them and then demanding a trade.

Fast forward to the last couple of days. Souray shows up at Oilers training camp and the media wants to know whats going on with him and management:

"Things that I said, that's five months ago," Souray told TSN.  "We are in a completely different spot now and there is a lot of optimism...It's not awkward at all for me," Souray said.  "I just stated some of the facts that I was feeling at the time and that's it.  To come back and see the guys is actually a positive thing.  Once you kind of get around that camaraderie with the guys that I haven't been around since January of last year, it just picks up your spirits."
 
Does NOBODY think this is hilarious? This is exactly what George Costanza tried to do in the Seinfeld episode "The Revenge", when he quits his job and then comes to work the next day like nothing happened (embedding disabled by request--> fuck off).

Artist's rendition of Souray's earlier interviews RE: Oilers management

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Presenting: The most awkward video of all time




"So...you're back!"

And with that, Olli Jokinen is quickly becoming my new favorite Flame.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Season preview: Defense


This is Siegfried and Roy. Siegfried and Roy are magicians who worked in Las Vegas until 2009 when they retired. More importantly, Siegfried and Roy were what one Kieran George and I dressed up as for Halloween last year. You can imagine what that trip to Value Village was like.


This man goes by the alias of Luke Warm. Luke was with Mr. George and I when we dressed up as Siegfried and Roy for Halloween. Our schedule for that day looked something like this:

October 31st, 2009:
10:30--> Wake up. Begin the day with costumes and very little food.
12:00--> Arrive at Luke's house. Wake him up from his drunken slumber and force him to come watch the Golden Bears football game with us.
12:10--> Mike's Hard Lemonade outside Luke's house. Bottles are recycled in the middle of the street.
12:25--> First teamer. An early start to what would certainly be a long day.
2:00--> Board the Edmonton LRT to go to Foote Field. Luke sits next to a Korean girl. To clarify where she is from, he inquires, "you're not one of them North Korean fucks, are ya?".
2:01--> Luke is considerably drunker than we realize.
2:45--> Mickeys in the bathroom are re-deposited into drinks we have purchased. Luke insists on continuing to drink. We obviously let him.
3:00--> Game starts. We sit in the front row directly in front of the cheerleaders. This will certainly not end well.
3:05--> Siegfried and I look around. There sure are a lot of families at this game. We are the only people in the stadium dressed up. Good.
3:15--> Cheerleaders begin a cheer about defense.


"D-E-F! *clap* *clap* E-N-C-E!"

3:16--> We find out that Luke is actually a world-champion at spelling bees. He chooses to share this new-found knowledge with us in the only way that makes sense: by politely correcting these young ladies as to the proper spelling of defense: "IT'S "S", YOU CUNTS".


Personally I can't think of a better way to segway into the season preview for the Calgary Flames defense! First up we have the big man J-Bouw.

Jay Bouw Bouw....ohhh yeah

After what was a mediocre season his books look for Mr. Bouwmeester to have a bounce back year, likely because he will have the privilege of playing next to Giordano, the Italian Stallion.
If you watched any Flames games last year you should already know that Mark Giordano was one of the few bright spots on the team. One year removed from a vacation in Russia, Giordano came back and wowed the fans and the team for pretty much the entire season.


Robyn Regehr was the topic of a lot of trade rumors, especially around July 1st. I was driving around Red Deer, probably buying lots of paint, when I heard on the Fan 960 that there was speculation he was going to be traded for Marc Savard. I wiped the saliva from my mouth and kept driving, but nothing came of it.

Here's my take on Reggie: If a defenceman (I think it's "c" in this case) is being paid $4 million, and is expected to contribute absolutely nothing offensively, he had better be the god-damned best defensive defenceman in the league. Which I don't think he is. So it wouldn't break my heart to see him go.


Cory Sarich is still a cocksucking traitor.


What can you say about Ian White? It's assumed that he was the centerpiece of the Dion Phaneuf trade, because don't try to tell me it was Nik Hagman. So now we have a defenceman signed for one year, one five-dollar footlong away from making $3 million, while Toronto has the most eloquent captain in the league.

Too easy


And then of course, there is Steve Staios, the prophet destined to lead the Flames to the promised land. I got to say one thing though...how sweet would it be to see him lift the Cup in a Flames uniform?

So maybe I'll write something on goaltending tomorrow. I just found out I have to write a 25 page research paper in one of my history classes so that might take up some of my time during the season. Which doesn't even matter because like three people read this blog.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Season Preview: Forwards

Reunited and it feels so good

Well that was one strange summer. Toiling away on the shores of Pine Lake Alberta, I was unable to hear a damn thing about hockey this summer. The last thing I saw was Dusty Bufyglnginegenge single-handedly beating the Vancouver Canucks in the second round of the playoffs. But, it was worth it to miss out on a bit of hockey, because its for the kids, y'know?

And here we are! Back in September! The month which is chock full of back to school sales, cheap beer, and girls at the bar who were born in 1992.
This is what every eighteen year old girl does

The air is turning crisp and cool, the smells of autumn are creeping into your nose as the leaves change color, and all you can think about is how many more days until the return of the game. The Calgary Flames did some work this summer that I'd like to take a look at. For today: the forwards!
Go on, take the money and run

Eric Nystrom and Chris Higgins are gone. This should not be cause for any concern as their stays in Calgary were not exactly chock full of memories.

For whatever reason, the team decided to bring back the Batman and Robin of underachieving Flames: Olli Jokinen, he of 15 goals, and Alex Tanguay, who hasn't done much of anything since 2001.

Jarome Iginla will be coming off one of his most disappointing seasons ever, scoring a measly 69 points, and somehow these two are going to change things? Well, I guess all you can do is wait and see. After that the forward picture is a little muggy. The Maple Flames Hagman and Stajan are probably going to end up playing together, and then maybe Daymond Langkow will be ok to go eventually?


For those who know and love Peter Loubardias, next time you take a shit, try yelling "STAJAN" in his voice. You will like the results.


Craig Conroy is back as General Manager Assistant Coach Head of player development He's fucking playing again? God damnit.
As far as the other guys go I could give a fuck. Man looking at this team is depressing. Read the tone at the top of this post and then check down here after. That's all it takes to get me pissed off. Can you imagine how much fun its going to be when I talk about Staios tomorrow?

Also: make sure you check out http://www.oilerspill.blogspot.com/ for a nicer website with a better banner than this one.