Thursday, April 15, 2010

One more

Ok ok I'm sorry but this one has to get posted. You'll definitely have to click to enlarge but its worth it:

1. Rely bud
2. Bring it Lucas

Edit 7:39pm--> more reaction, I'll start from Lucas...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sounds like BS

If this turns into a real rumor, I'm taking all the credit (click to enlarge if you can't read it):

Dick's picks: Eastern Conference

Today I would like to bring to your attention my picks for the Eastern Conference first round! Can you believe I picked Philadelphia to win the cup last year? Well this is a shot at redemption.

(1) Washington Capitals vs (8) Montreal Canadiens

Washington was far and away the best team in the NHL this year. They had a 120+ point season, unheard of in these days of parity. However there is something to be said about this team: they had the privilege of playing in the Southeastern Division, where there is absolutely dick all for competition. The Atlanta Thrashers finished second in the division, good enough for 10th in the conference. That was their biggest challenge all year. Basically what I'm saying is that although Washington is good, they get to play Florida, Carolina, Atlanta, and Tampa Bay 24 times a year. Even Calgary could manage to make the playoffs if they got to play these bottom-feeders all year. Maybe not, actually..

I still say Capitals take it in 5. I'll give Montreal a game because Washington's goalies do not inspire confidence. My favorite nickname in the league is Jose Threeormore.


(2) New Jersey Devils vs (7) Philadelphia Flyers

The New Jersey Devils let their coach quit his job at the end of last year and go to another NHL team. His name was Brent Sutter and he coaches the Flames.

A man named Jacques Lemaire came in to coach the Devils to the #2 seed in the conference. Jacques Lemaire does not believe in fun. He is one of those dads who doesn't take his kids to the zoo, because it might inspire creativity. He thinks that enrolling his kids in a computer class that teaches Microsoft Excel is fun enough for them.

Whatever he does, he has found success. So it will surprise you that I am picking Philadelphia to beat New Jersey in seven games. Why? I actually just have a gut feeling. What, I don't get paid to do this, I don't have to fuckin' justify any of my picks.

I also am cheering for head coach of the Flyers Peter Laviolette, because he coached Carolina to a cup against Edmonton.

(3) Buffalo Sabres vs (6) Boston Bruins

This series is going to blow, but it is probably going to be over quickly. I am picking the Sabres to win in five games. Here is the recipe that makes this playoff match: Take the best goalie in the league (Buffalo's Ryan Miller) and put him up against the worst offense in the league (Boston). It may shock you to learn there was in fact a team that scored less goals than Calgary this year, and yes it was in fact the Boston Bruins.

Tukka Rask is a good goalie for Boston. I also think its awesome that Toronto traded him for Andrew Raycroft. But he can't score goals for the Bruins. Buffalo should realistically not lose a game, but things happen. It's gonna be funny going back to this pick when Boston ends up sweeping the series.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs (5) Ottawa Senators

Confession period: I only ever cheered for the Senators in the first place because Dany Heatley was playing on the team. I really don't give two shits about the Sens anymore. I pick Pittsburgh in six games because you don't fuck with the reigning champs, who pretty much didn't lose anyone this summer except for Satan and Sykora who were healthy scratches anyways. Ottawa is so streaky. Bruce Mendrikis put it the best when I asked about their streaks: "Lose seven in a row, then win the next thirteen, then lose five and win six". If Ottawa does manage to beat the Penguins, it will be a sweep. Actually, if Ottawa makes it out of the first round, I could see them going 15-4 in the playoffs. That would mean they sweep their way to the finals, get a 3-0 series lead, and lose four games in a row. Lolerific.

I'd like to take this time to change my Vancouver/LA Kings pick. Vancouver's defence is fucked. They are extremely banged up. Flames fans know about the importance of defensive depth in the playoffs. I am picking the Kings in six games, officially changing my bets.

Enjoy playoff hockey!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The internet: a harbour of stupidity

The internet is one of the funniest concepts to ever be implemented into society. I remember when I took Music 103, Introduction to Popular Music, and we were learning about Napster (what a class). There was a derivation in the lecture about how the internet was started. The notes I took from that class don't talk specifically about the origins of the internet, but I paid attention during the lecture. The internet was basically started in the early 1990s so that universities could share information with one another.

Al Gore either said he invented the internet, or they said it on South Park

One of the biggest things to come from the internet was the concept of "file sharing". Through "file sharing", people could do literally that, which was sharing files. Whether it be a Microsoft Word document or an MP3 file, a file was a file was a file. There were a couple people who got pissed off at this: Dr. Dre and Metallica.


They tried to sue Napster, a file sharing service, and won. I'm not sure what happened from there, but whatever they did, they sure didn't do a very good job of it. Spin-offs of Napster soon started springing up everywhere, like Bearshare and Limewire. As far as I know these programs haven't been shut down yet so way to go guys.
The doctor is in

When I was just a young scrapper I used the internet for two things: MSN Messenger (which has now been replaced by fb chat (actually)), and downloading as much shitty music as I could off the programs mentioned above (like Papa Roach's Lovehatetragedy album...who am I?). But now, I have a new interest in the internet, thanks mostly to one Keiran George, AKA josh_uk.

josh_uk goes onto a site like Youtube every so often and starts a flaming war, for no reason whatsoever. For example, on a video about hockey, josh_uk can be found writing comments such as "America is so fucked...guess thats what happens when u put 300mil inbred hicks in a country". Of course, josh_uk is assumed to be British. After all, his username has _uk at the end of it. The responses that come from this are hilarious, as people will begin to lay into josh_uk, writing things such as how Britain would have been fucked in WWII if the Americans didn't save their asses, or other examples such as this.

The point is, josh_uk has given me insight into my new use for the internet: provoking idiots. I have been going onto Facebook's "Official Calgary Flames Hockey Club" fan page, and writing down the stupidest suggestions I could think of, in an attempt to see if people would actually pay attention to me. What follows are my first two attempts at this degenerate behavior:


My suggestion to hire Mike Keenan as General Manager didn't go over too well. I also came up with a hell of a trade for the team:

Looks like Chris Yul didn't get the joke. I hope he reads this.

Anyways, I can see this getting very out of control by the time I get really into finals, as I'm going to be bored and pissed off in general. Its no josh_uk level of destruction yet, but don't doubt me. Feel free to join me on the fan page and harass idiots.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Playoff picks: Western Conference

Everyone's got an opinion on whats going on in the playoffs this year. I might as well throw in my two cents.

(1) San Jose Sharks vs (8) Colorado Avalanche

This was such a sweet series in 03/04, I still remember when Cheechoo scored a deflection goal through his legs. For this series, I say Sharks in four. Bold? You bet. There is no way that San Jose is going to fuck things up this year. Is their situation as bad as Calgary's? Maybe a little worse. Calgary knows what their issues are. There is no scoring, there were locker room problems, among other reasons. San Jose's problem is that they have no problems to address. This should mean that finding success in the playoffs should occur. The problem is, they've got the scoring, the defence, and the goaltending to win. And for some reason they fail over and over again. If the Sharks lose in the first round, what more can you even do to tweak for next season?

On another note, fuck Colorado Enjoy your two home playoff games. Know what? I'm glad Colorado finished eighth instead of Calgary. Seven months of hockey is plenty. Who really needs to watch hockey in May and June anyways?


Also, their head coach looks like my physics teacher from Grade 11 (RIP).

(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs (7) Nashville Predators

Yes, that is the Yellow Power Ranger's Zord; a Nashville Predator. Every year the playoffs come around, and just about every year Nashville gets a lower seed. It's enough. Stop making the playoffs so you can lose in five or six. It's getting a little annoying. I will say Blackhawks in six, purely because I absolutely do not trust their goaltenders as far as I can throw them. When we did our hockey pool at the beginning of the season I thought goaltending was my strongest position. I had Cristobal Huet and Ray Emery. Please, have a "lol" at my expense.


I was watching Deadliest Warrior on Spike yesterday and I got thinking, what if these two teams were actually what their mascots are? Who would win in a fight between an actual Indian chief and a sabretooth tiger? It would be pretty sweet. Just food for thought.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs (6) LA Kings

It kills me to say, but the Canucks will beat the Kings in seven games. Luongo won't fall apart until the second round. On a different note, Alex Burrows is a jerk. In an interview that took place before the playoff matchups were determined, this is what he had to say about Detroit:

When asked by AOL FanHouse about playing Detroit in the playoffs, Burrows said, "We don't mind facing anyone, but as far as Detroit, the only thing I dislike is having to fly there and having to stay there, to have to spend a couple of days in that city." 



Are you fucked? Why on earth would you actually say that? Talk about the team you're playing against. Maybe how Holmstrom crashes the net too hard or how Bertuzzi shouldn't have an NHL job. You do not talk about how you dislike a city. That's an embarrassing quote.

Anyways, the Kings probably aren't ready for the playoffs. I would so love to be wrong.

(4) Phoenix Coyotes vs (5) Detroit Red Wings

This series could honestly be a coin flip. Both of these teams worked extremely hard to finish as the four and five seeds, and it is awesome that one of the two will go to the second round of the playoffs. Detroit is a popular pick because down the stretch they looked unbelievable, but as I have analyzed in earlier posts, their schedule was super easy, including two matchups against Edmonton and three against Columbus. Also, they're Detroit. They seem to play pretty well in the playoffs in general.

I truly believe Phoenix will win this series. In seven games. Hell, maybe they'll even sell out the seventh game in Glendale. There is one reason why I pick Phoenix, and that is Ilya Bryzgalov. I honestly think he is the funniest hockey player in the league, as well as one of the best goaltenders.

Bryzgalov talks after Giguere

I remember in 05/06 when Calgary played Anaheim in the first round and ran Giguere out of town. Coach Carlyle puts in some Russian dude with a hard name to say and Flames fans start laughing, dreaming of another cup run. All of a sudden, they can't score to save their lives, and Bryz takes the Ducks to the Conference Finals. Never doubt a hot goaltender.

Stay tuned for my Eastern Conference picks!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Seperate entirely

Obviously this blog lost most of the steam it had a while ago and I'd like to address just what the hell happened there. The whole point of doing this was for fun, and when it stopped being fun writing about the Flames, I stopped writing altogether. I'll give an example. It would be awesome to write about how the Flames had a decent team and looked like they had their shit together to make a run at the playoffs. I can handle the team losing games here and there, but its got to be for different reasons.

During more or less all of March and April, every gameday post would have looked something like this:

"The Flames really need to win to have a chance at the playoffs. The [team Calgary is playing that night] should be beatable but we'll probably lose".

Every post-game would look like so:

"The Flames lost again because they scored one goal. Nobody cares what happens this season".

That is boring stuff to write about. It's not even the post-games that killed me to write, it was the preamble to them; the pre-game. Every single game was a big game, and saying that over and over again sucks.

Well, now that I'm logged on I might as well write about something.


If you don't know who this is, stop reading this blog, print off this picture, bring it to a library, and throw yourself off the top of the building. This is Josef Stalin. Josef Stalin was a dick. He killed a bunch of his own citizens before, during, and after WWII, then took most of the credit for when the Red Army eventually made its way to Berlin. One of his war-time strategies was a scorched earth policy. As the Soviets were retreating into the heart of Russia in 1941, Stalin ordered the Red Army to literally burn everything to the ground. This way, the invading Nazi soldiers would not find any spoils of war such as clothing or food. Instead they would find rubble and destroyed towns. This eventually did play a big part in helping the Soviet Union's cause, but at the expense of having to burn down cities.



Darryl Sutter is not Josef Stalin, nor will I ever compare anyone to Stalin. But what Darryl has done to the Flames looks similar to what went down in 1941, with the scorched-earth policy. If you read this, I assume you have some knowledge of hockey and the Flames. The following is a list of players who I would like to point out that are signed for next season and how much money they will make:

Forwards: Hagman (3.0m), Kotalik (3.0m), Stajan (3.5). Those are three players who Darryl all traded for this season. He inherited the contracts of Hagman and Kotalik but still knew what he was getting into. By trying to justify his plans and take on big, useless, contracts like these, Sutter has effectively set $9 million on fire. Nik Hagman is dogshit. Kotalik couldn't give less of a fuck if he tried. Stajan is NOT A NUMBER ONE CENTER.

Defencemen: Regher (4.0m), Sarich (3.7m), Staios (2.7m). Regher's utility is up for debate. Personally, I'm tired of hearing how valuable he is as a shut-down defenceman. He makes four million dollars a season. If he makes that kind of money not to get points, he better be the best fucking defenceman in the league. Sarich infuriates me beyond belief, watching him play hockey is one of the most frustrating endeavors I can undertake. Steve Staios. Just...Steve Staios. Boom, there is $10 million burned. Darryl Sutter has effectively burned the organization down on his way out.

I refuse to talk shit about Kiprusoff because 1. He is the only reason we competed at all this season, 2. He quit hacking darts because he wants to be a better role model for kids, and 3. I have his jersey.

In an effort to be a better role model, Kiprusoff no longer chain smokes with Dion Phaneuf

If you can't see, yes, that is Kiprusoff lighting a cigarette off another cigarette. He no longer does this. Go Kipper Go.

Should Sutter be fired? Probably. In any other profession when someone does not do their job to a level of satisfaction their organization wants, they are replaced. If he isn't fired, it means that the Flames organization is happy with mediocrity. But what poor fool would even replace him? The guy would be walking into a disastrous amount of bad contracts with no prospects and zero first round picks.

(EDIT 2:35pm Sunday April 12--> Removed my mother's joke)

Well that's it. A hell of a 30th season in Calgary. My favorite part? The time I bought a retro Iginla jersey with the 30th patch on the chest. The season he scored 70pts (69 at the time I am writing this). A close second for favorite moment? The Flames, officially eliminated from playoffs, go to the Saddledome for fan appreciation night to play their last home game of the season against the Minnesota Wild. They score one goal in the game and lose. Again.

Bandwagon picks: Pittsburgh and LA. I cheered for the Penguins all last year so respect is due, and I have a Robitaille jersey from when he played for the Kings, plus they might play the Canucks in the first round. There's actually a decent story behind that Robitaille jersey. I originally ordered a Ziggy Palffy jersey, then about eight days into the order a story came out:

AP Online
11-05-2003
Dateline: LOS ANGELES
Los Angeles Kings forward Ziggy Palffy won't face charges for a confrontation with his girlfriend, the team and his attorney said.

Palffy was arrested Oct. 26 for investigation of domestic battery. Police said there was a physical altercation at Palffy's home and that the woman sustained minor injuries.

I decided to change the order to a Robitaille because he is a pretty good bet not to fuck up.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System


The DENNIS System is a way that the show Always Sunny in Philadelphia teaches its viewers the "proper" way to attract and pick up women. Dennis, one of the main characters, creates an acronym (university word) out of the letters in his name. The steps are laid out pretty straightforward: Demonstrate value, Engage physically, Nurture dependence, Neglect emotionally, Inspire hope, and Separate entirely.

Of course, there are alternative systems. The MAC System, aptly named after the character Mac, is one in which you go and pick up the pieces of the shattered heart of the Dennis System. Move in After Completion. My personal favorite is Frank's method, in which you walk around with a stack of $100 bills and a bunch of Magnum Condoms, thus demonstrating the value of your large dong.

What I didn't realize until now is that the Calgary Flames were never really interested in dating their fans or making them feel special. They've simply been DENNISing us up to this point.

Demonstrate value
Anytime your team starts the season 4-0 while beating the absolute piss out of opponents (not to mention a couple of last-second victories), their value is being demonstrated to you. Not to mention the November they had where it looked like after so many years of waiting, things were finally going to be turned around.

Engage physically
Sure the Flames didn't take us back to their room to "show us their guinea pig", but this was about the time of November I would say. Wins start piling up, Iggy is scoring, Kipper is unbeatable. Hell even CuMac might have won a game by this point. It was right about here that the Flames began to

Nurture dependance
Now that the city of Calgary was getting used to having a top-tier hockey team, it became time to rip that out of their hearts and show the fans how pointless their existence was without them doing well. Enter December. This was probably the beginning of the end for the Flames as the goals began to dry up and the wins were few and far between (I've always wanted to use that expression). Little did the fans know how far into the DENNIS system they were getting.

Neglect emotionally
If you watched the team this season, I do not need to tell you that this was the month of January. For those who weren't paying attention, it was during January that the Flames lost nine games in a row, including a 9-1 drubbing by the San Jose Sharks. It was about this time that fans were feeling emotionally neglected. If they put so much into this team, couldn't the players do it too? What came next would

Inspire hope
February rolls around, the Flames aren't playing like complete shitgarbage, and then the Olympics happen. Iginla torches Norway for three goals in the opener and scores a couple more against the hockey powerhouse of Germany. Flames fans are not especially impressed with what he has done in the tournament. But then, redemption:

I even wrote a haiku to commemorate the occasion:
Sid the kid Crosby
Scores in the first overtime
The feed from Iggy

That is just the beginning of the inspiration of hope, as it is currently where we are now. The Flames win four in a row in March and then beat the Capitals and Coyotes to pull within two points of 8th place Colorado. Suddenly, there is a chance for optimism. However friends I'm sorry to tell you, the 10% chance the Flames have at the playoffs could very well be ended Friday night, as the team prepares to

Separate entirely
And like the first track of Jay Z's Black Album, "all things must conclude. It is an inevitable part of the cycle of existence". The Flames will surely find a way to lose to one of Colorado, Chicago, or San Jose, thus completing the DENNIS System and ending this misery of a 30th campaign.